divorce and precautions

Divorce rates are commonly talked about here in the U.S. With all this repetition of divorce is 50%, it is now more of a fact than it is of theory. Everyone seems to know that the divorce rate is half but what they don’t know is that is actually wrong. Divorce rates are around 30% instead. Now this number still shouldn’t be focused on as much as it is. We should instead concentrate on why divorce happens in the first place and why this number is actually falling. Much of the reason that this number is falling is because people are simply not getting married as much as they used to. Another reason is people’s upbringing. It has been found that children who have divorced parents are 60% more likely to get divorced in the future than those who have stable family relationships. There are other numbers that are interesting as well.

Now let’s talk about the outcomes of divorce itself. Divorce over the course of 5 years costs on average 125,000 dollars. 70% of divorced couples admit that they wish they would have stayed with their spouse and stuck it out. 70% of people who stick through their marriage whom are very dissatisfied with their marriage report that they become very satisfied with their marriage in just 5 years. Average miles a father is away from their kids at the age of 12 in divorced homes are 400 miles. All these numbers show that marriages can be saved when they aren’t. It further shows that divorce is expensive and hard on the children. It also shows that relationships can work out if couples are able to stick it out for the rough parts.

In the data collected above, it is important for us to keep an open mind and try to understand all the causes and effects of why these numbers are the way they are. There are so many factors that are to play here. For instance, much of the reason fathers move 400 miles away is to get a job that is more adequate as to pay for child support for their kids. Mom also moves away to have a more stable support group from her immediate family. The complexity of family units alone is much messier than we see at eye value. Every divorce has repercussions such as hurt children, fathers, and mothers.

Now let’s dive into divorce and what it entails. Back in the 60’s, there was only 4 things that would allow you to get a divorce in a court of law. Abandonment, adulterer, abuse, and addiction were the things when proved in court, would be the factor to break a marriage. In California however, there came about a no-fault divorce law. From this time forth, divorces have spiraled out of control. Other repercussions were seen as well such as custody of the children.

The above attributes were seen in court to make one person the good guy and the other the bad guy. The children would then go to the (not bad-guy). With the new law, there was no possible way to determine who was the good and bad guy. Joint-custody was introduced and there were couples who began sharing their kids with each-other instead of just one having them permanently.

There are 6 types of divorce. Emotional, Legal, Economic, Co-parent, Community, and Psychic divorce is each a step in a full divorce. Emotional is when a couple lose their love. Legal is when they lose the state’s understanding of them being married. Economic is when they separate their property. Co-parent is when one or the other decide to not put as much effort into their children. Community is when a couple makes it known to all around that they are not satisfied with their spouse. Psychic is the step mentally when people have concluded that they must get a divorce no matter what. Each of these steps by themselves can cause a couple to give up on their marriage. Also, each of these types of divorces can be reinforced and made whole and therefore improve the marriage as a whole.

When its all said and done, therapists have seen that a majority of marriages can be saved and even a larger amount of people say that they wish they tried harder to save their marriage. We should try to save our marriages for ourselves and for our children.

kids and needs

There are so many different ways to parent, that it can seem somewhat scary at times. There are so many voices telling you to do it this way or that way. There are opinions of every kind. One Michael Hopkin stated that parenting should teach kids to survive and thrive in whatever society they are in. He stated that if you are living in a monarchy or Dictator ruled country, they should be taught to do what they are told without question. This would help them blend into their society. If one were to live in a perfect kind society, the kids should be taught to trust everyone, love their neighbor, care for the poor, and blend in society in every other way. As from this example, it is plain to see that there are thousands of ideas of how we should raise our children.

There are several ways people raise their kids and many vices people use as well. Many people believe that the school system should teach their kids including their values. Boarding school is literally a school meant to raise kids. The soviet unit for 70 years took kids at the age of 2 and taught them how to be good citizens. The role of a mother was first to the state and second to their child. That is somewhat of the push today. Under the Obama administration, it was believed that parenting should be left to the professionals and mothers should go to work to contribute to society.

One question that societies overlook in general is who does parenting affect? In short, parenting affects the parents and the children. Further down the line, society is eventually affected by parenting and it trickles down from there. A good society with poor parenting will not be a good society very much longer. It is not a simple task nor is it unimportant.

It is commonly agreed by family study specialists that the most important outcomes of parenting should be Courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect. These attributes should be gained by both the kids and the parent. Through service, love, and hope, each of these attributes can be attained but only by hard work. There are many instances that parents and children misunderstand needs and followed approaches. For example, a child may be bullied at school and have the need for protection. In response, the parent watches the kid join rough groups of friends as so they will not be bullied anymore but the parent may see it as rebellious or vengeful. A kid may need contact and respond in an annoying way. The parent sees this as just an attention hungry monster who always annoys them. I kid may seem like he is at a lack of control in his life and feel powerless and in response begins to gain power by controlling others. The parent may see the kid to be acting up and trying to make them mad but instead, its just a cry for help that the kid needs help trying to control his own life.

There are times as a parent, that it is important to let kids be assertive and to take control. Many times when a kid is assertive, they are punished because they are seen as acting out of line or trying to go against their parent’s commands. This isn’t determined by the kid’s behavior either. The way a kid behaves does state that he’s learned these attributes. You can scare a kid to act a certain way but at his core, he doesn’t believe in being honest. He’s only afraid of the consequences.

fathers and finances

I wish to touch on the subject of fathers, finances, and divorce. Many studies in the past have shown that most divorce start by a difference in finances. There are financial troubles that add a stress that can be detrimental. Why is this such a big struggle in today’s society? How can the lack of money be such a hassle? Hopefully I can expound on this subject and show how basic finances that can be extremely daunting can actually be easy.

Back in the 1980’s there was a significant change in society in general. Housing prices increased drastically as the women’s movement exploded. Instead of one breadwinner in a family, there was now two. People saw this as soon the only way to compete. How can you by a house over someone else when they have another breadwinner? It has been proven that a woman in the workforce will still have 35% more work to do in the home even if she has the exact same job as the man in the home. These small differences can cause significant rifts in a family. Questions begin to arise of,” should we use your money or mine?

There was a study given on a typical family unit to see if a wife making money was truly beneficial to the overall welfare of the family. A typical family was chosen for this study that had 2 children and a married couple. An accountant came in and calculated the money made if the mother wasn’t working compared to her working. The husband made about 41,000 a year and the wife made around 22,000. At the end of the study, it was shown that as combined, they really only made 40,000 dollars. This doesn’t sound possible when looking on the outside math. Things that were calculated were simply comparing money spent for the two different life styles. A working life style has 4 mouths to feed and usually resorted to fast food because time is short. Baby sitting was another large factor in this as well. When it was all said and done, the accountant found that this family was actually losing money by the mother working. Her work at home was more beneficial to their pocket book by not having to spend money as when she would if she were working.

What also should be a terrible vice to avoid is the statement “your job.” “The dishes aren’t my job!” “Why do I have to do your job when you don’t do mine!” All these statements divide the home. Work in this sense is something that is terrible and is frowned upon. No-one wants to do it. Someone has to do it still and whomever is the peacekeeper will usually be first to step up to the plate. Over time, laziness looses out. There begins to be strife and contention because either the husband or wife is doing “more” than their spouse and ill feelings are the response of this.

A final thing I wish to hit on is another study. It is common practice for parents to pay their kids for doing their chores. A study was done where kids were payed to play. Over time, the kids played less and did it more grudgingly. Many times, parents wish to help their kids do better so they motivate them with money. In the end, this can be more detrimental than not giving them money at all for their work.

One final thing I wish to touch on the is role of fathers and how the phrase “toxic masculinity” is doing more harm than good. It has become so thick of a fog, that England has considered men to not be necessary for the family unit besides bring in the income. If a mother and her children are provided for, there doesn’t even need to be a husband or father. On https://www.fatherhood.gov/dadtalk-blog/fatherhood-research-practice-network-webinar-findings-frpn-funded-projects-home, there is access to research of how fathers in the home are not only able to touch their kids life through providing for them but also spending time with them and giving them one on one time. It teaches them life skills and gives and added strength of what it means to be strong in life and how to survive in today’s world. He teaches them what it means to lose and how they can recover from it. He teaches them what it means to win and the means of winning. He helps them with their emotions by offering a strength in their life that they can turn to when in need of help. A father-head figure is so much more than just Mr. money bags. Fatherhood is a gift and should be treated as such.

corrupt communication

In our day and age, communication has become such a problem between couples. This is really funny actually because communication has never been so readily available. We can call or text at anytime and converse with those whom we know or even don’t know. The simple communication however isn’t the thing that we are having problems with. It is the mixed signals and the corrupt communication. There are simple ways of over coming these problems however and I hopefully will explain them fully and accurately.

Empathy, Assertiveness, and respect are all great foundations of communication. Empathy is the ability to relate too. Someone’s struggle can be felt by another when trying their best to understand the predicament their companion or friend is going through. There are actually 3 different points that are said to help empathy. The first is the Disarming technique. This technique is simply used to help whomever know that you mean them no harm and really are trying to help them. This can be done simply by agreeing or showing someone that you are listening to them. You can listen and reason instead of arguing and giving blame. This can be hard however. Most times this requires admitting your wrong and not being defensive to others’ accusations.

The next step is to Express Empathy. This is relating to others with their problems. It can be done by giving personal experiences of how you and their situations can be similar. The next step is Inquiry or talking more. This involves us asking questions to their conversation to show that we are interested and engaged in their conversation. These are the simple steps of Empathy.

The next step is show Assertiveness and this is done through when, felt like, because, and I would like it if. These are confusing but let me explain. When you are wishing to state your side of the story, you must do it with assertiveness and explain fully about something. When you made that joke about me, I felt like you care about your friends laughing more than me because you value their opinions. I would like it if you didn’t do that anymore. This is a good example of how to fully express your feelings.

The final step is Express Genuine or authentic admiration and appreciation. This last step is the resolving step. It is important to give the last bit of respect to show that you do not think poorly of them in the way they think. It further shows that you fully understand and still care about them as a person. With this added love and respect, they have no choice but to lower their guard against you.

All of these steps though are useless if given with corrupt communication. Corrupt communication ranges from the silent treatment all the way to severe sarcasm. Anything that isn’t the truth or the intended purpose is corrupt communication. We should practice our communication continually with those we love and care about. Without a pure form of communication, there is information lost as people take different meanings from speech. In our day, there is always room for corrupt communication. Texts, email, and even telephone calls leave a large area for misunderstanding. We can improve on this by making sure our text or speech is simple and to the point.

The way we feel and what we say are many times two things. Feelings and strong emotions often cloud our judgement. Anger, when provoked, causes more corrupt communication than as if we were silent. Now the question comes of how we can remain level headed through all the struggles that we have in our relationships. It’s not easy. In fact, it is extremely hard. Many times, it is best to pass your feelings to your friend or companion. Tell them your frustrations and admit that your level thinking is off because you are frustrated. Then go on to explain that even though you are not level headed, you still need to have your feelings expressed and still need empathy. All of this isn’t just a one-time thing. We must try continually to build our relationships in communication.

stress and truth

Stress is something that has received such negative connotation for the past few years. People suffer from depression and blame stress. Grades fail and people go into anxiety attacks because of stress. Stress has taken the blame for many of our difficulties in life. If we look at the big picture, stress is the only thing keeping us alive. Let me explain.

In space, astronaut’s biggest health concern is the lack of stress on their body. They are more prone to a weaker heart, weaker muscles in general, weaker bones, and weaker anything else that has to deal with the body. In our lives, we find people who have had to deal with little stress in their lives are more likely to have panic attacks or melt downs when they receive stress later on. Obviously mental and physical stress are two different things but they behave the same way. How we react to the stress will also determine how we will change or adapt. If a wrestler or athlete decided to stop every time they felt pain, they wouldn’t be athletes very long. If a body builder stopped lifting weights because of the burn in his thighs, he wouldn’t be a body builder much longer. In our lives, we have the choice to react to every situation. We can run away from our problems, push them on others, or accept them and overcome them. This is obviously more easily said than done.

In recent research, it has been shown that wealthy families that have support from both sides of the family are actually more likely to get divorced? You would think it would just be opposite? Why do these ideal situations give the worst results? People who have been married in troubles of trial and are still married never have regrets about their trials. They usually look back on those moments as beautiful struggles where they learned to struggle together with their spouses.

There are ways of overcoming trials however. Every family will have difficulties. Trials will come as kids get hurt or misunderstanding occur. There will be struggles of every kind but how we respond to these events will make things worse or better. Many times, when things happen, parents may blame themselves or their children. Why did I let that happen? Why are my children this way? Why don’t they just tell me or deal with this problem like an adult? There are obviously so many questions you can ask to every question. What is important is that we see a situation for what it is and accept it. All the crying or complaining in the world won’t bring back a child’s life or make another feel better. We are humans and as humans, we make mistakes. Many of those mistakes are final and it is up to us to accept those mistakes and help those who make the mistakes.

We must see life as the pursuit for truth. Miscommunication and anger hide the truth. Truth is simply the way things are, the way they’ve always been, and how they will always be. We must remember that truth should overrule everything because with truth comes happiness. Truth is that people are generally good. The world isn’t that bad. Love trumps hate. Wisdom trumps power with a greater power of its own. Good triumphs evil. It is so easy to be blinded by the world by its downing messages and negative connotations. We are good people who make mistakes. If we have negative thoughts about someone’s actions, odds are is that we usually don’t understand. It is that simple.

You may think: there are different stresses though. A kid drowning in a pool is a lot more difficult to overcome than being laid off from a job. This is true but the way we react to these situations will give the same results. If we let either of these scenarios cripple us mentally, it can cripple our marriage or even our family permanently.

relationships and boundaries

Anyone who knows biology knows there is a significant difference between a woman and a man’s body. This difference in hormones and cycles can sometimes create a real problem for intimacy in marriage and that can be a very big thing. Intimacy in marriage is a wonderful good thing that can cause a couple to solidify their bonds with each other and make each other feel closer to each other than ever.

This biology can cause real gaps and differences in marriage however if not communicated properly. A male has very large amount of testosterone in their body when compared to women. Testosterone is the driving hormone for sexual relations. It has been proven that men are ready to have intimacy much more than women but it also doesn’t last near as long during the act of sex. Women however have a much longer period of build up as well as a longer sustain period. This difference can cause women to think men are selfish and only want sex when they want it. When women are finally at their peak of satisfaction, the man is tired and wants to sleep. This is a hormonal issue that needs to be understood. Overcoming this needs communication and selflessness. Men release a large amount of Dopamine and Serotonin while women excrete high amounts of Oxytocin, serotonin, and Dopamine. Men want to sleep and women want to cuddle.

Other differences are that men reach their sexual peak in their lives at ages 18-19 while women reach their peak at 30-35. These numbers are vastly different. Studies have been done to prove that men have sex so that they can feel closer to their spouse while women want to have sex with people that they are already close and feel comfortable with. Once again, these small differences can cause relationships to go in different directions.

One large thing however that both men and women don’t realize is that people who keep sexual relations including sexual thoughts within their marriage are much happier not only sexually but ever aspect of their marriages. This complete act of devotion shows each other they have no other commitment besides to each other. Their devotion is for each other.  It has been commonly accepted by sexual arousal can be satisfied in anyway a person sees fit and it is ok. Anyone who has remained loyal and faithful to one person will tell you this isn’t the case. If you feel like your sexual intimacy or satisfaction with your partner is in the decline, push everything out of your life that could pull your focus off them. Then serve them, care for them, and remain faithful to them in every way and your relationship will improve.

It has become a serious problem across the U.S. where wives leave their husbands for other women or visa versa. This doesn’t just come to happen from out of nowhere. As people, we seek to find people who are relatable to us and who we can confide in. When people’s spouses aren’t connected emotionally, they will go other places where they can find that. What can also have this come up is a spouse not fully confiding in their partner. It has become quite widely accepted that when a couple is having problems in their marriage, they go to their parents and discuss their problems. When this is the practice, it breaks the connection that is meant to be formed between husband and wife. There are things that should be shared only between husband and wife. We should always remember that married people should put their spouse first before anyone else. They should be your confidant in everything. If we put our spouse first in the relationship, they will see that and in return put you first as well.

foundation of a relationship ext.

There needs to be a foundation to every house we build today. If not, the house itself will crumble overtime and not withstand the elements in time. If the right procedures aren’t followed carefully, foundations will fail on our structures. This same concept can be found in the marriage unit. Proper procedures must be followed or the marriage in itself will fail. I wish to dive quickly into these different aspects of building a sustaining marriage.

If someone was to give you a bunch of lumber for your house to be built from, you wouldn’t walk out and just start hammering boards together. If you did, you would be wasting time and lumber. Yet for some reason we do this with our relationships. We have the proper supplies to build and yet just throw it together without any plan at all. Dating is simply the way for us to write blue-prints for our marriage. A couple needs to learn to problem solve, decision make, and learn to communicate together. This is best done through different activities and date ideas.

Now comes the engagement. Today’s society, it has become so noncommittal. What do you think about marriage? If we were to get married…? These are common questions for guys to ask women before they even propose to them. Ask yourself. What could be wrong with this? How does the woman know the guy is committed? How does she know his full intentions if he’s not willing to show his willingness to make the initial investment in her? This seems very one sided one may point out. It should be because the woman is putting her future in his hands. It is proven in studies that women have become the dominant ones in the relationship. Men not willing to commit first isn’t the entire reason for this but it is a factor.

Marriages are next in line. Marriages today run anywhere from 19,000 to 33,000 dollars. In order to pay for this, usually the parents step in to help. This is our custom. It has also become custom for the woman and her parents to make the entire wedding plans and leaving the guy completely out. Think of how this could be a strain on the relationship later on. I won’t go into detail at this time but will rather let you think about it.

These previous steps are so crucial because marriage will only get harder. It will also be more fulfilling but these aspects are often looked over. If not built with a solid foundation, marriages will fail when any struggle arises including having kids. Data shows that marriages are always improving until children are brought into the situation. This is because one partner feels that they are no longer loved because their spouse spends more time on their kids. Once the kids move out, the marriage gets better. It’s not that kids are bad. They just require more of the parents than just newlyweds.

There are ways to overcome this however. It should be closely observed that the man and woman make sure the man is also very involved in the pregnancy. The husband can be more involved by going to doctor appointments, talking about the baby, and sharing their ideas and expectations of the child. They should have an open line of communication as well as an added patience and understanding for each other. With these small steps, a husband and wife can overcome any struggle. Open communication with an added level of service will show devotion that was other-wise not thought of to be possible. Marriages will have their rough spots and if not given a proper foundation as well as constant building, they will eventually fail. It is inevitable.

building to marriage

The word dating means a totally different thing now days than it did just 20 years ago. Though trends of dating have changed and how people view it have changed, the basic ideas and principles are still there. What makes people date and fall in love? Why do some people view things in dating that isn’t very important to be extremely important? Hopefully I will be able to clear some of these things up.

Everyone knows we don’t have access to 7 billion people on the earth to date. There isn’t enough time and enough situations to meet all the different people. There are certain pools of people that people date and these pools have reasons. The first dating pool that people dip into is the pool of Propinquity. This word simply means availability. In recent years, technology has improved our ability to know and reach out to new people. Naturally this has its limits because people can hide more over the internet or telephone. The upside is that people have more options.

The second pool people go to after the first has been met is Attractiveness. For some reason, this has been viewed as being shallow. Shallow? Why is it shallow? I have talked to many people who state this but then after being drilled, admit they do it as well. It is human nature to go after things we are attracted too. This isn’t just out of the blue either. Against people’s understanding, they are actually drawn to people who they find familiar. Why do they look for others familiar? Because they are comfortable with it and feel that they understand it. Familiarity comes from family. After looking back on previous relationships, most people can find that their boy or girlfriends were much like their mother, father, brother, or even sister. People look for others whom are more like them. There is nothing wrong with this. It is simply human nature.

There are correct steps to a relationship. A certain order that has been showed that if followed; will give the most fulfilling relationships. These simple basic steps from most important to least is as followed: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Physical Touch. These are in this order for a reason. It would be stupid for someone to trust another person more than they know them. It would be stupid to commit to a person you can barely rely on. It is extremely stupid (though everyone does it) to kiss and even have intimacy before you know, trust, rely, or have commitment to them.

Now to not focus on just the aspect of dating too much, I wish to dive into a combination of things that builds to a successful marriage. These are dating, courtship, engagement, and finally marriage. I already dove into dating so now I’ll go into courtship. Courtship is a word that is rarely used now days. Courtship is a commitment that you will only date one person. It is not to be confused with engagement. Courtship is about exclusively dating one person. It is a focus on getting to know one person very well so as to perhaps prepare for an engagement. This is the time to experiment and do different things. It is a time to date and better understand who each-other are. Do several different activities. Do things exciting, fun, daring, scary, romantic, and anything else that causes different emotions.

Next is engagement. Engagement isn’t marriage! It is an agreement and commitment to marry a specific person. At anytime during engagement, it is acceptable to break the engagement if the person whom you are engaged too shows new information. It is better to break an engagement than to have a miserable marriage for years.

Final is marriage, marriage is a time to still continue dating and getting to know one-another. Many times, the focus of the parents go to the children and not on each other. It is meant to also be full of patience, care, and passion. Every relationship needs continuous looking after. If any relationship, no matter how wonderful it is, will dissolve if not carefully nurtured.