relationships and boundaries

Anyone who knows biology knows there is a significant difference between a woman and a man’s body. This difference in hormones and cycles can sometimes create a real problem for intimacy in marriage and that can be a very big thing. Intimacy in marriage is a wonderful good thing that can cause a couple to solidify their bonds with each other and make each other feel closer to each other than ever.

This biology can cause real gaps and differences in marriage however if not communicated properly. A male has very large amount of testosterone in their body when compared to women. Testosterone is the driving hormone for sexual relations. It has been proven that men are ready to have intimacy much more than women but it also doesn’t last near as long during the act of sex. Women however have a much longer period of build up as well as a longer sustain period. This difference can cause women to think men are selfish and only want sex when they want it. When women are finally at their peak of satisfaction, the man is tired and wants to sleep. This is a hormonal issue that needs to be understood. Overcoming this needs communication and selflessness. Men release a large amount of Dopamine and Serotonin while women excrete high amounts of Oxytocin, serotonin, and Dopamine. Men want to sleep and women want to cuddle.

Other differences are that men reach their sexual peak in their lives at ages 18-19 while women reach their peak at 30-35. These numbers are vastly different. Studies have been done to prove that men have sex so that they can feel closer to their spouse while women want to have sex with people that they are already close and feel comfortable with. Once again, these small differences can cause relationships to go in different directions.

One large thing however that both men and women don’t realize is that people who keep sexual relations including sexual thoughts within their marriage are much happier not only sexually but ever aspect of their marriages. This complete act of devotion shows each other they have no other commitment besides to each other. Their devotion is for each other.  It has been commonly accepted by sexual arousal can be satisfied in anyway a person sees fit and it is ok. Anyone who has remained loyal and faithful to one person will tell you this isn’t the case. If you feel like your sexual intimacy or satisfaction with your partner is in the decline, push everything out of your life that could pull your focus off them. Then serve them, care for them, and remain faithful to them in every way and your relationship will improve.

It has become a serious problem across the U.S. where wives leave their husbands for other women or visa versa. This doesn’t just come to happen from out of nowhere. As people, we seek to find people who are relatable to us and who we can confide in. When people’s spouses aren’t connected emotionally, they will go other places where they can find that. What can also have this come up is a spouse not fully confiding in their partner. It has become quite widely accepted that when a couple is having problems in their marriage, they go to their parents and discuss their problems. When this is the practice, it breaks the connection that is meant to be formed between husband and wife. There are things that should be shared only between husband and wife. We should always remember that married people should put their spouse first before anyone else. They should be your confidant in everything. If we put our spouse first in the relationship, they will see that and in return put you first as well.

foundation of a relationship ext.

There needs to be a foundation to every house we build today. If not, the house itself will crumble overtime and not withstand the elements in time. If the right procedures aren’t followed carefully, foundations will fail on our structures. This same concept can be found in the marriage unit. Proper procedures must be followed or the marriage in itself will fail. I wish to dive quickly into these different aspects of building a sustaining marriage.

If someone was to give you a bunch of lumber for your house to be built from, you wouldn’t walk out and just start hammering boards together. If you did, you would be wasting time and lumber. Yet for some reason we do this with our relationships. We have the proper supplies to build and yet just throw it together without any plan at all. Dating is simply the way for us to write blue-prints for our marriage. A couple needs to learn to problem solve, decision make, and learn to communicate together. This is best done through different activities and date ideas.

Now comes the engagement. Today’s society, it has become so noncommittal. What do you think about marriage? If we were to get married…? These are common questions for guys to ask women before they even propose to them. Ask yourself. What could be wrong with this? How does the woman know the guy is committed? How does she know his full intentions if he’s not willing to show his willingness to make the initial investment in her? This seems very one sided one may point out. It should be because the woman is putting her future in his hands. It is proven in studies that women have become the dominant ones in the relationship. Men not willing to commit first isn’t the entire reason for this but it is a factor.

Marriages are next in line. Marriages today run anywhere from 19,000 to 33,000 dollars. In order to pay for this, usually the parents step in to help. This is our custom. It has also become custom for the woman and her parents to make the entire wedding plans and leaving the guy completely out. Think of how this could be a strain on the relationship later on. I won’t go into detail at this time but will rather let you think about it.

These previous steps are so crucial because marriage will only get harder. It will also be more fulfilling but these aspects are often looked over. If not built with a solid foundation, marriages will fail when any struggle arises including having kids. Data shows that marriages are always improving until children are brought into the situation. This is because one partner feels that they are no longer loved because their spouse spends more time on their kids. Once the kids move out, the marriage gets better. It’s not that kids are bad. They just require more of the parents than just newlyweds.

There are ways to overcome this however. It should be closely observed that the man and woman make sure the man is also very involved in the pregnancy. The husband can be more involved by going to doctor appointments, talking about the baby, and sharing their ideas and expectations of the child. They should have an open line of communication as well as an added patience and understanding for each other. With these small steps, a husband and wife can overcome any struggle. Open communication with an added level of service will show devotion that was other-wise not thought of to be possible. Marriages will have their rough spots and if not given a proper foundation as well as constant building, they will eventually fail. It is inevitable.

building to marriage

The word dating means a totally different thing now days than it did just 20 years ago. Though trends of dating have changed and how people view it have changed, the basic ideas and principles are still there. What makes people date and fall in love? Why do some people view things in dating that isn’t very important to be extremely important? Hopefully I will be able to clear some of these things up.

Everyone knows we don’t have access to 7 billion people on the earth to date. There isn’t enough time and enough situations to meet all the different people. There are certain pools of people that people date and these pools have reasons. The first dating pool that people dip into is the pool of Propinquity. This word simply means availability. In recent years, technology has improved our ability to know and reach out to new people. Naturally this has its limits because people can hide more over the internet or telephone. The upside is that people have more options.

The second pool people go to after the first has been met is Attractiveness. For some reason, this has been viewed as being shallow. Shallow? Why is it shallow? I have talked to many people who state this but then after being drilled, admit they do it as well. It is human nature to go after things we are attracted too. This isn’t just out of the blue either. Against people’s understanding, they are actually drawn to people who they find familiar. Why do they look for others familiar? Because they are comfortable with it and feel that they understand it. Familiarity comes from family. After looking back on previous relationships, most people can find that their boy or girlfriends were much like their mother, father, brother, or even sister. People look for others whom are more like them. There is nothing wrong with this. It is simply human nature.

There are correct steps to a relationship. A certain order that has been showed that if followed; will give the most fulfilling relationships. These simple basic steps from most important to least is as followed: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Physical Touch. These are in this order for a reason. It would be stupid for someone to trust another person more than they know them. It would be stupid to commit to a person you can barely rely on. It is extremely stupid (though everyone does it) to kiss and even have intimacy before you know, trust, rely, or have commitment to them.

Now to not focus on just the aspect of dating too much, I wish to dive into a combination of things that builds to a successful marriage. These are dating, courtship, engagement, and finally marriage. I already dove into dating so now I’ll go into courtship. Courtship is a word that is rarely used now days. Courtship is a commitment that you will only date one person. It is not to be confused with engagement. Courtship is about exclusively dating one person. It is a focus on getting to know one person very well so as to perhaps prepare for an engagement. This is the time to experiment and do different things. It is a time to date and better understand who each-other are. Do several different activities. Do things exciting, fun, daring, scary, romantic, and anything else that causes different emotions.

Next is engagement. Engagement isn’t marriage! It is an agreement and commitment to marry a specific person. At anytime during engagement, it is acceptable to break the engagement if the person whom you are engaged too shows new information. It is better to break an engagement than to have a miserable marriage for years.

Final is marriage, marriage is a time to still continue dating and getting to know one-another. Many times, the focus of the parents go to the children and not on each other. It is meant to also be full of patience, care, and passion. Every relationship needs continuous looking after. If any relationship, no matter how wonderful it is, will dissolve if not carefully nurtured.

homosexuality and divisions

There are more divisions now days than ever. One division I wish to go into is the division of men and women. This is very important because this is the foundational unit to raise children with. How can society be so at ease with the sexs’ being at odds with each other, but so nervous about divorce rates. How can we be happily married if we believe that we are always the victim to the opposite sex.

Science has proved that there are physiological differences between men and women. A 5-year-old on the beach can understand the differences quite easily. There are further details however that are overlooked. There is 5x as much white matter in the communication empathy of a woman’s mind rather than guys. This helps with the communication in a woman’s mind. They are able to relate items to each other and find connections. This is also why they are more aware of their surroundings. Guys have more grey matter in their brains. This effects their capacity for problem solving. Women are built more emotional. Men are built more physical. This isn’t a matter of opinion. This is proven.

These differences are not bad but good. They are complementary to each other. When in marriage, men and women both bring very important gifts to the table. Women bring compassion, love, unity, and heart-felt things to the table while the man provides logic, strength, and competition. These differences, when combined, can be extremely complimentary to each-other. Each unit in the marriage has its weaknesses that the other unit can overcome for them. They should work in harmony, not working at odds with one-another.

Now comes the question of what about the people who have the natural tendencies to do that of the opposite gender. What about the girl who likes to ruff house instead of playing barbies? What about the boy who would rather put on eye-liner rather than ride on the four-wheeler? What about this minority who feels like they are not understood and overlooked?

Across the U.S. in the 1980’s, there were thousands of men who were dying from AIDS. The great majority of these individuals who were dying were homosexuals. There began to be a fear as the media displayed this to the public. It wasn’t long before there was a reaction in the opposite direction. There were soon books being published, hoping to overturn the phobia people were having of homosexuals. Their first goal was to eliminate the word homosexual itself. The word “Gay” was soon thereafter introduced. The second goal was to put homosexuals in every aspect of media. It was also important to note that every gay person couldn’t be bad but rather a good strong character. Their third goal was to eliminate or silence any research being done that would show the downfalls of homosexual activity from a health point perspective. In the end, it was their goal to normalize homosexual activity so as to make the public more comfortable with it.

If we fast forward today, we see that their vision was followed through. There are more homosexual characters in the media than ever before. Research on AIDS and its relationship with homosexual activities have been nearly eliminated because it is listed as “Homophobic.” The homosexual stigma is now encouraged and promoted on every level of the media. Even children are being listed as “Gay” without even understanding what sex is.

What we need to understand is this whole subject isn’t about sex. It is about intimacy. It is human to want to fit in and be understood. More feminine boys are often ostracized when they are kids. Many are simply pushed into homosexual activities simply because they begin to feel that they are pushed in that direction by everyone else. Girls that were “Tom-boys” were seen as cool. Boys that were feminine were “sissies.” It is proven that more feminine boys are also reported to be more distant to their fathers and brothers. It should be our culture to accept anyone no matter how their character is.

In the end, I wish to say that people should be respectful and understanding with everyone that is different from them. We should also respect and honor everyone’s freedom to believe how they may if this be for or against homosexual activity. We should also be aware and try to help those who are struggling. Instead of smiling and patting those on the back whom are gay, we should be asking how they are doing and if they are struggling with anything. In the end, we should treat people like people and not like an agenda. Most of the people on this planet are just trying to be good people.

Poverty and Support

Poverty is looked at a magnifying glass. How does America attempt to fix it? Money and more money! Throwing money at this issue necessarily won’t fix it. Usually these families are poorly educated and don’t even know what to really do with money when it is given to them. They will go immediately to their wants instead of their needs. This is proven time and time again in many people that are given free assistance by the government. Though some use it to their benefit to pull them out of their struggles, others use and abuse the system and see no need to withdraw from aid. This becomes both a hindrance to both their growth and the economy’s.

I want to get to the root cause of why families in poverty continue in poverty and what will really help them. One of the first causes of people rolling back into poverty is (believe it or not) sexual procreation. There are several studies done that prove when someone has a much higher chance of success if they graduate high school without being a parent. The second thing to do is finish high school. Many people in poverty get caught up in gangs or organizations that pull them away from education and more towards crime. The third thing is to simply get a job. Getting a full-time job not only gives these kids money but also teaches them life-lessons. No-one wants to work at DQ or McDonalds for the rest of their lives. Most people will do whatever is necessary to not have to work there their entire life. Work also gives kids the understanding of the value of work. Work of any kind gives people self-worth and identity. These three basic things are not only important but necessary to help people get out of poverty.

There are issues however that not only the Poverty class deals with but really every class. The Rich and poor are very similar in this one aspect and that is emotional support. Though it effects the kids for the most part, it also effects the parents. Poverty class families are usually single parents whom work and struggle to be the bread winner. There is little time to keep their family floating. One would think that the rich wouldn’t have this problem but yet they do. Richer families usually comprise of two parents but are both working. The pursuit of money becomes more important than raising their children. What do they do? What they always do! Throw money at it! Pay a nanny. They’ll take care of it. There are bonds and ties however that no one else can fill but the parents of these children. A hundred nannies can’t give the true love and support that the parents of those kids can provide. Each parent also plays a vital role in raising children. The father and mother have different effects on the upbringing of their children. Women are more of the nurturers and offer mental support. They give strength and are able to teach standards for their children to follow. Fathers give strength and stability to the family unit. In times of crisis, the family can look to the father to pull them out of their struggles. They take things more at a logical standpoint and see more clearly how to get the family back onto safer ground. These small but simple things can mean the entire difference with children. Children without mothers are seen to be more depressed, harder difficulty with school, unrulier, and less sensitive. Children without fathers have been seen to become more insecure, shy, uncertain, and less confident. Though money is seen as the “cure all,” it isn’t. There are other things that human beings need including nurture and care.

Family structure

There has been so much confusion of what a family of what is to be expected from a family. Popular pop-culture tells us that a family behaves in a certain way that is of a selfish nature. If one person in the family isn’t getting something out of the (family unit), then they have every right to get out of it. If this is the case, then the (family system) is broken. There are certain laws or practices that will work in society in general but not in the family.

One example is the exchange theory. Americans are especially fond of this theory and for good reason. The Capitalist system is based on give and take. What is best for me? This attitude, though selfish, has brought America and the world prosperity that has never been seen before. Society is also known as cruel and unforgiving. It is harsh and requires the heaviest competition. This works for society because society is set up as a business organization. A family isn’t a business. It never was. It was set up as how the ancient Greeks and Romans thought. Virtue, trust, strength, honesty, and respect are the heart and soul of every family unit. Any old married couple that is still happy in their marriage will tell you that you can’t give 50%. You have to give 100%. There can’t be a motion of give and take. You give all you can and make the relationship work. In the end, families are built on service and love.

Other theories such as conflict theory and symbolic interactions are also widely accepted by today’s society as strong theories the way a family should be run. Conflict theory is based on once again a give and take basis but this time is built more upon compromise. Conflict theory also gives the understanding that people will be different. No couple will be completely harmonious and that’s fine. These differences can be over-come by compromise.

Another subject I wish to touch upon is how a family unit should interact. Today’s society has pushed for equality so hard that there are no longer leaders. There are not executives of any kind because one person doesn’t want to express control over another. We know that if government behaved this way, there would be chaos across the country. What I’m aiming at here is that there should be a form of leadership in every family. I’m not saying there should be a dictator and the subjects. Instead there should be a mother and father that work together as leadership partners. They should have an open relationship as well and set up boundaries of what they excel at. The father for example is a morning person so his responsibility would be to wake the kids and make breakfast. The mother excels at making people feel better so she would take the lead in helping the kids feel loved and supported. Mothers and fathers are a team and should work as a team. Any conflict between the two should be resolved privately instead of openly. This gives the children a sense of security and easiness, knowing that their parents are unified together.

The family unit isn’t a system of give and take. It is neither a system just for our benefit. It should be a unit built on reaching outward instead of one's own self. If it isn't these things, it usually doesn’t stay together very long. It should be unified, loving, full of service, respected, strong, nurtured, and protected. Later I hope to go through each of these aspects and explain how each of these can be achieved. If any of these are excluded, there will be hard-ships that the family will experience that may be detrimental.

APA study and trends

            

            Society is so fragile. Sometimes I don’t think we understand. Ronald Reagan once stated that “Freedom is never more than one generation from extinction.” If this is the case, shouldn’t we as citizens of our country be careful of how our children are raised? The future of freedom is passed from one generation to another. If a generation lets those freedoms fail, it isn’t their fault but rather their parents. If they don’t hold standards and beliefs that their parents held, there is a reason for that.

How then should we care for the children of our day? Families of the 21^st century are consistently weak or even broken. Studies have proved that children in single parent, drug-abuse, or other problematic homes are at an automatic disadvantage. The family unit is the primary and basic unit of society. It should be our primary concern to make sure that unit is protected and cared for.

Many bring up the point that kids are very resilient and can recover from the hardest circumstances. The APA brief is one study that is often quoted when talking about the resilience of children. The problem with this as well as many other studies is that people don’t look at the research themselves. This is the case in health, product sales, and every other study. It is simply because of laziness that people don’t look into things themselves. The APA study is full of flaws. Many of the studies don’t have a comparison group and are primarily focused of lesbian white mothers who are financially well off. Not only are gay men not represented in this study but also other ethnicity. The Majority of these studies also are based from convenience sampling which only pulls a certain type out of society instead of the whole. It’s like asking customers to a business to take a poll to see if they’re satisfied with their care. More than likely, people will only report if they are mad or upset. According to the poll, this would show that the vast majority of people are upset with the company.

Another flaw in the APA study is that there is simply not a comparison group in the majority of the studies. If there isn’t anything for them to measure their group against, then how do they know the group is better off than anything else? This is basic fundamentals of statistics and yet this well-known and quoted research failed it extensively. 

Another subject I wish to touch on is the trends of today. There are certain trends today that have not only been accepted by society but encouraged when it comes to family life. Living alone, depression, sexual intimacy before marriage, cohabitation, marriage at older ages, and out of wed-lock births are all significantly different from just 10 years ago. These actions have consequences that greatly influence society in general. There are reasons for this however. People adapt and change according to what they see to be the most beneficial to them. It is difficult to be critical of someone when they are just trying to take care of their own personal interests for self-preservation. It is understandable but not recommended.

There are many who would disagree or agree of the downfalls of these trends. Instead of focusing on the trends however, I believe it is more important to understand where these trends are coming from instead. There has been a peak of fear and selfishness in recent years. Why? It is self-preservation. Society has been taught for years that they are alone in the world. They are to fend for themselves. Why be tied down to a wife or husband when you can be happy without them? Why would someone take such risks financially or emotionally only for the notion of love? Logically it makes little sense.

Though self-preservation trends have been set, this isn’t the best way to go through life. History has proved that happier and more successful people are those who serve, love, and care for other people. Selfish people become more bitter and fend only for themselves simply because no-one else will. This may sound cliché but yet our society still lacks so greatly in these areas.